


Too Hot To Hoot

by Willa Shakespeare (AnonEhouse)



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Drunk Sex, Fluff and Crack, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Outdoor Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex Pollen (Maybe), Silly, Snakes (maybe)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 18:13:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1357147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/Willa%20Shakespeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avon grumbles about being lost in a hot, creature-infested, jungle with Blake. Then they both mellow out. Is it the heat? Is it plant pollen? Who knows? Who cares!</p><p>Then of course, Avon's inevitable bad luck bites him on the arse. </p><p>Honestly, Blake can't take him anywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Hot To Hoot

**Author's Note:**

> Blakefancier and I played this in an RPG long ago (2005). To save covering up Bf's current fandom interests on her dashboard with old B7, I'm going to post this without using the official coauthor format (and yes, I did discuss it with her, and got a thumbs up). I'll change it later, when Bf has added enough new stuff that it will be buried. 
> 
> Also note: I shamelessly repurposed one plot point from the classic Cary Grant movie 'Father Goose'.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Avon reluctantly opened the top button on his shirt and even more reluctantly sat on a fallen log. He caught his breath, and then held it again as a bright green lizard, at least eighteen inches long, scooted over the log to snatch up a large brown insect that had been climbing unnoticed over the top of Avon's boot. Avon barely suppressed a yelp as he leapt to his feet and aimed his gun at the lizard.

"I don't think the lizard is going to hurt you, Avon." Blake wiped his sweaty face with his sleeve and chuckled. He added softly, "I don't think."

"I can't tell you how reassuring that is." Avon kept the gun trained on the lizard until it climbed up another tree to disappear in the foliage. Then he looked down at his boot for more hitchhikers. "Or how much I'm enjoying this opportunity to commune with nature. I really cannot tell you."

Blake sighed and unbuttoned his shirt; it was soaked through with sweat. "Don't, Avon. it's too hot for your complaints."

"Complaints? I've not _begun_ to complain. Have I bemoaned the fact that we are stranded, lost, without even the most minimal of survival gear? Have I dwelled on the fact that the teleport coordinates were _supposed_ to leave us at the doorstep of the valorous rebels infesting this tropical paradise?" Avon holstered his gun and wiped his sweat-slick palms on the front of his equally sweaty trousers. "I consider that I have been remarkably restrained, under the circumstances."

Blake rolled his eyes. "There ought to be a river just south of here." He took off his shirt and used it to wipe the sweat from his body. Then he began walking. "Are you coming?"

"Yes. Perhaps it will be cooler, there." Avon's arms were stuck to his sides, and he felt like he was drowning in his own sweat. And... leather chafes. 

Probably Blake noticed the gingerly way Avon was walking because he said, "You might want to take off that leather. You're going to get heat-stroke."

"At least I shall not be bitten by venomous insects, or blistered by poisonous plant sap." Avon's feet were squelching inside his boots, and his temper was not of the best; not even personal best. "Or sun-burnt." He gazed at Blake's slick torso. "Sweat does not have a high SPF."

"After you have heat-stroke, you'll have to take everything off." Blake reached out and touched Avon's face. "And _then_ you'll be sun-burnt. Not to mention the fact that I'll have to drag you to the river."

Avon showed his teeth in a not-smile. "I didn't know Orac had taught you prognostication. Would you care to wager a few credits on the likelihood of you dragging me _anywhere?_ " Avon was still hot, sweaty and slightly nauseated, but arguing with Blake always gave him a pleasant adrenalin rush. He pushed past Blake and headed in the indicated direction.

Blake shook his head and wiped his face again. "You're right about one thing, I usually _don't_ have to drag you anywhere. You're usually right behind me."

"You make a good shield."

"Is that your excuse?" Blake smiled. 

"Well, it was either that, or the view." Avon paused for a moment. "I apologize. I think the heat is making me slightly giddy." 

"The view?" Blake made a strangled noise and then moved quickly to walk beside Avon.

Avon studied the ground in front of him, ignoring Blake's question."I wonder if there are snakes?" 

"Probably." Blake raised an eyebrow. "So, you don't want to answer my question?"

"If I answer, you might change your mind about having me watch your back. Which would undoubtedly shorten your life-expectancy. Do you still want the answer?"

"Of course."

"I'm bisexual. And you have an attractive arse." Avon wiped sweat off his face, prepared to duck, if necessary.

"Oh." Blake was quiet long enough for Avon to think of any number of reasons why he should have kept his mouth shut. Then Blake said, "Thank you. I think I hear the river."

Avon tilted his head. "Either that, or someone's left the tap running." Avon moved slightly faster. Perhaps the air would be cooler by the water. Wait, didn't he already think that? His brain was sizzling.

"Your arse is rather attractive too," Blake said softly.

Avon stumbled. "What was that?"

"You have a nice arse," Blake repeated distinctly.

"Oh." Avon resumed walking, piqued worse than when Vila said 'Avon's gadget works' for an invention that should have been greeted by shock and awe. "Damned by faint praise."

Blake sighed. "Avon, I promise, once we've cooled off, I'll praise your arse from here to the next galaxy."

"Well, you've not seen it properly, so I suppose you are wise to hold your judgement in abeyance. After all, for all you know, it's only padding."

"I hadn't thought of that." Blake reached over and grabbed Avon's arse in a good, two-handed grope. "No, I don't feel any padding."

Avon stumbled again, and caught himself again. He felt a little better, vindicated by the grope. "I believe in truth in advertising. He turned around to stare at Blake's crotch. "Do you?"

Blake grinned and kneaded Avon's arse. "Of course. Shall I undress?"

"Umm... no, not yet. I want to get to the river first." Avon ran two fingers down, around, and up. "Definitely not padding."

"No, no padding." Blake laughed, then ran heedlessly toward the river.

Laughing, Avon followed Blake.

Blake stopped at the water's edge, undressed quickly, everything including his teleport bracelet, and leaped in to begin splashing in the water. "It's wonderful!"

Wobbling from leg to leg, Avon took off his boots and unbuckled the utility belt holding his gun and power pack to toss it on the ground carelessly. Blake was splashing around gleefully. Avon was jealous. He decided taking off the rest of his clothes was too much bother and jumped in. "Ahhh!"

Blake began splashing Avon. Avon curled his toes deep in the muddy bottom and grinned, using his palms to shoot back until Blake waded over to hug him tight, and kissed him. "Mmm..." Avon grabbed Blake's hair and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. After a moment he realized Blake wasn't just holding him close, but tugging at his clothes.

"I need you. Now."

"Yes." Wet leather. Damn. Avon swatted Blake out of the way so he could work on his trousers. He glanced at his boots on the shore, frustrated, but decided against getting the concealed knife out of the right boot. He could DO this! He finally got the belt open and popped the snap on the trousers.

Blake slipped his hand in and wiggled his fingers. Avon gasped. "You are -- not -- helping." He attacked the zipper frantically. The wet leather stretched. Blake slipped his hand out and released Avon. He backed up and stretched out on ground beside the river, under a shade tree.

With a final wrench, Avon got the zipper down far enough so he could slither out of the sodden trousers. He flung them onto the bank with a squelch, and then followed Blake out of the water. He began undoing the numerous snap-studs on his tunic. Blake lazily stroked his cock as he watched Avon undress. Avon moved to give Blake a good view as he peeled the tunic flap off his chest. Avon had a damn nice chest for a computer technician, if he did say so himself.

Blake spread his legs and wanked faster. "You don't happen to have lube?"

"In that outfit?" Avon raised his eyebrows and tossed the tunic after the trousers. "I could barely fit a laser probe." He licked his lips and stared at Blake's cock. "I don't mind a little pain."

Blake shook his head. "No, not without lube. I could tear you. We'll have to settle for frottage."

Avon scowled, and moved closer to Blake. "You could at least let me have a taste."

"I'm not stopping you." Blake flaunted himself and grinned.

Avon setted near Blake, squirming to get into the best position. "Easy, Blake, easy." He held Blake's cock between his hands and steadied it. "Nice. Very, very nice." He sucked the tip, tentatively at first.

Blake moaned and arched up, his hand tangling in Avon's hair. Avon rocked forward, licking and sucking harder, his hands stroking what wouldn't fit in his mouth. Blake moaned even louder, rocking his hips, and tugging on Avon's hair. Avon unlocked one hand and moved it down to his own cock, stroking himself while he sucked on Blake. Blake tugged on Avon's hair more insistently. "Stop! Avon, stop!"

Reluctantly Avon pulled back and stared at Blake, more than a little out of breath and annoyed at the interruption. "What?"

"I don't want us to come this way. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you."

That sounded like a good idea. Avon climbed clumsily over Blake to get within kissing range. Mud and greenery impeded his progress. "We'll have to try this in a proper bed sometime."

"Yes." Blake put his arms around Avon's body and pulled him down. "When we're back on the _Liberator._ " He kissed Avon and began thrusting against him.

"Mmm..." Avon setted himself more comfortably and began rubbing against Blake, trying to get into rhythm.

Blake stroked Avon's body, moaning and moving against him. "So... beautiful... so..." He moaned louder.

Avon nipped at Blake's throat, then licked the skin, sweaty again. "Yes."

"Yes. I like you hot." Blake scratched Avon's back and arched against him. "Hot and slick." Avon thrust harder, having found Blake's rhythm and learned to follow. Blake scrambled against Avon's body, grunting, his hands sliding over sweaty skin. Then, with a startled sounding cry, he came. Avon grunted and continued thrusting for a few seconds before clutching Blake tightly and freezing. "AHHH!"

Blake kissed Avon hard, then pushed against his shoulder. "I'm hot."

"Mmm... " Avon rolled off Blake to lie on his back on the grass.

"That was fantastic."

Avon grinned lazily, without opening his eyes. "Yes, I know." Blake rolled onto his side and tugged on Avon's chest hair. Avon's grin became more smug. "Jealous?"

"No." Blake pulled out a hair. "I think I'm much cooler without it."

"Ouch," Avon said without much force behind it. He sighed."We should go back in the water, wash up, get dressed." But he didn't move.

"Mmm, yes." Blake ran his hand over Avon's belly.

"Yes." Avon sighed again. "Pity I didn't bring any lube."

"I wonder if the people we're supposed to meet have lube we can borrow."

"They're your friends, you ask them." Avon blinked and looked confused. "What am I saying?"

"I'll ask them." Blake leaned over and kissed Avon.

"That's not what I meant!" Avon pushed at Blake. "What's wrong with you... what's wrong with me?" 

Blake blinked, looking confused. "What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with me." 

"Do you usually have sex in the middle of a mission gone wrong?" Avon looked around. "Toss aside your weapon and... _frolic_ , ignoring the potential danger?" Avon reached for his weapon. "I don't know what's happening but... " Avon paused and looked at Blake. "You have a very sexy mouth."

Blake grinned and ran his hand over Avon's chest. "It's a talented mouth too. " He said softly, "kiss me."

Avon struggled against himself, and lost. "We shouldn't." He moved towards Blake helplessly. "I should... I should..." He kissed Blake. Blake wrapped his arms around Avon and returned the kiss enthusiastically. Avon pulled Blake on top of himself, rolling them over in the overgrown grass. "Ah!" He pulled away from Blake. "I've been bitten!"

Blake looked confused again. "By what?"

Avon whirled and pointed at a brown and green spotted form slipping into the water. "By that!" He touched his arse and stared at the blood. Not much but...

"It might be poisonous. Turn over so that I can suck on the wound."

Avon turned over. "This isn't how I intended to die, Blake. It's... undignified."

Blake sucked on the wound, which really, Avon didn't mind. But then Blake stopped, to say, "Don't talk like that."

Avon put his head between his arms, grumpy now that Blake's mouth wasn't on his arse. "I'm going to die of a snake-bite in the arse. I can feel the fever rising."

"You can feel the fever?"

"I'm burning up. My stomach's on fire." Avon was becoming maudlin. "Save yourself, don't waste time on me. Don't even stop to bury me." 

"Save myself? Is poison contagious?"

"There's other things besides snakes." Avon felt gloom descend. "There's leeches and vampire bats and piranhas and West Nile-virus Variant 12b-carrying mosquitoes. And centipedes. Big, hairy centipedes."

"And I should save myself from them?" Blake stroked Avon's hair. "You're going to be all right, Avon."

"You didn't try very hard to suck out the poison," Avon said even more gloomily. "Not that it would do any good. Poor Orac, no one will think to dust his diodes once I'm gone."

"Avon, I don't think you were poisoned. I couldn't taste any venom, and the bite... well, it's hardly more than a scratch. It must have been a harmless snake."

"How do you know? Are you an alien herpatologist!" Avon paused, horrified as he realized he couldn't feel the bite any longer. "I can't feel my legs... it's starting already."

"There was no venom, Avon." Blake slapped Avon's thigh. "Could you feel that?"

"Feel what? Oh, my life is passing before my eyes... I don't want to go back to school, mother...."

Blake slid a finger up Avon's thigh, then he made circular patterns on his arse. "Feel that?"

"It's not fair... I finally got a decent computer and an indecent proposal from someone with a really good-size tallywhacker and I'm going to die." Avon began sobbing into his arms.

"Shhh. It's all right, Avon." Blake hugged Avon and stroked his hair. "I promise it'll be all right. You're not in pain, are you?"

"No." Avon sniffed and wished he'd brought along a handkerchief. He was going to die all blotchy. He never did cry gracefully. "They say the devil looks after his own. At least it will be painless." He sniffed and rubbed his nose on his muddy arms. "Everything's getting very dark."

Blake hugged Avon gently. "Would you like me to bathe you?"

"You won't let me drown? My nana almost let me drown in the tub once."

"No, I won't let you drown. Can you stand?"

"Yes, of course!" Avon surged to his feet, waving his arms for balance. And by a miracle, once his head was no longer buried beneath his arms, he discovered..."I can see!" Then his knees buckled and he wobbled.

Blake scrambled to his feet and grabbed Avon. "Careful! You don't want to fall."

Avon clung to Blake. "Since I'm going to die anyway, does it really matter that we don't have any lube?" He rubbed against Blake. "Please?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Yes you do, you know you do. Come on." Avon ground against Blake, slick with sweat, skin flushed pink. "Haven't you been tempted to slap me around, make me your bitch? I could see it in your eyes. Now's your chance, you won't get another."

Blake shook his head although Avon could see he was tempted. "I won't hurt you, Avon. Even if I do think about it sometimes."

"Did I ever tell you how _sick_ I am of your..." Avon suddenly went sheet white. "Excuse me." He turned and was violently ill.

Blake grimaced. "Are you all right?"

Avon rolled his eyes. "I'm _dying_. How do think I am? Help me to the water. I want to die clean, at least."

"Avon, I really don't think you're dying." Blake slowly led Avon to the water. "Dying people don't usually make such a dramatic production out of it."

"Hmm...that's probably in the Rebel Handbook, lies to ease the dying." Avon shivered. "The water's cold." 

Blake scowled at Avon. "Good. Maybe it's some sort of heat sickness." He splashed water vigorously at Avon.

"That bites me on the arse? I've heard of prickly heat, Blake, but really... " Avon dunked his head and drank some water.

Blake waited until Avon finished drinking, then kissed him hard. "You're _not_ dying."

"I am _not_ pscho-psicko--- I'm not imagining symptoms! Oh, no, now my tongue's gone numb. It'll be my brain next!"

"I don't think you're imagining the symptoms. But I don't think you've been poisoned." Blake kissed him again, more gently this time.

" 's jus' blin' faith, or d'ya have some evidence? This once, I _would_ like to b'lieve."

"Yes, I do." Blake stroked Avon's hair. "I saw the snake for a moment. It didn't have a viper's head."

"Whish snake? I bet you looked at an innosen bystan'er snake. There's lotsa sna..." Avon looked down and pointed. "Thas him! Thas him!" He leaped out of the water and fell flat on his back on the bank. "Snaaake!"

Blake grabbed the snake and began to chuckle. He waded back onto the bank and waved it at Avon. "Are you saying _this_ bit you? Avon, it's a tree branch!"

Avon blinked and tried to focus on the thing in Blake's hand. It was brownish gray, mottled with green patches and it had thorns. Thorns the right size to scratch a person in the arses. He said weakly, "It looked like a snake." 

"It's a branch." Blake tossed it aside.

Avon sneezed and blinked blearily up at Blake. "'m not gonna die?"

"You're not going to die."

"Thas' good." Avon closed his eyes again. "'m dizzy." He said petulantly, "It does look like a snake, though, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does look like a snake." Avon could hear the smile in Blake's voice a moment before he kissed Avon.

"Goo' , only drunks 'magine snakes." Avon's hand came up to hold Blake's head.

Blake murmured, "You're not a drunk." He licked Avon's mouth.

"Got drunk once at school." Avon tapped in the vicinity of the side of his nose, missing it entirely. "Y'know. Initishun. Was sick."

"Perhaps you're drunk now. You're not carrying a flask are you?"

Avon looked insulted. "'m not Vila." He put his arms up. "Search me!"

"Avon, you're naked." 

"I am?" Avon looked down at himself. "I am. Well, that proves it, doesn't it? I think."

Blake shook his head. "You're a horrible drunk."

"Can't be drunk. All I had was water." Avon looked at the river. "C'n you get drunk on water? Neva had Outside water before."

"Not unless there's alcohol in it." Blake scratched his head, moving soggy curls around. "You wouldn't happen to be allergic?"

"Not to water. Pippiyas... you know, those big fruits we used to get from Pllam... Pal-Mer-O," Avon enunciated very carefully. "And somethin' else, starts with a 'k'... or was it a 'q'? Anyway, I didn't eat anything either."

"What about plants? Flowers?"

"Ahh... neva saw any up close before... Centero." 

Blake kissed Avon's forehead. "We should probably see if Liberator is back. We should test you for an allergic reaction."

"Mmm... " Avon threw his arm about Blake's neck. He still had his teleport bracelet on so he pressed the button. "Lib'ratr, 'mergency, tellyport!" Then he hiccupped.

 

They appeared on _Liberator._ Vila stood up from the teleport console when he saw them, his mouth open in shock. Avon flapped a hand limply. "'lo Vila, 's cold in here."

Blake scrambled to his feet and pulled Avon up. "Come on, Avon. Medical for you."

"'s even colder in there. Can't I just go to my room? I do have a room, don' I? No one took it while I was gone, did they?" Avon looked suspiciously at Vila."You didn't take my room, did you, Vila?"

Vila grinned. "No, Avon. I didn't take your room."

Blake sighed. "We need to give Avon a check up. Me, too, I feel a little strange. Don't you want to make sure I'm all right, Avon?"

Avon blinked and tried to concentrate. "Yes. You were actin' strange down there. Well, stranger'n usual." Avon glanced at Vila."You didn't put a rubber snake under my pillow? I'm going to have Blake look to make sure."

Blake glared at Vila. "Not a word, Vila."

Vila looked at Blake, with an innocent expression that no one would believe for a second. "My lips are sealed."

"Say goodbye to Vila, Avon." Blake dragged Avon out of the room.

"Goodbye, Vila." Avon nodded at him and then stumbled along with Blake. "Medical unit." He lowered his voice. "We need lube." Louder. "An' then you can check my pillow for snakes."

Blake laughed. "Yes, Avon. Come on."


End file.
